The Road to Breakthrough?

Or am I regressing?

Another frustrating day. But here's why I stick with Parelli and love it anyway: When I was a normie and had those frustrating days, I was always frustrated with the horse. These days, I'm frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated because I'm a society-conformed, normal adult, and not the carefree, creative child I used to be. I'm frustrated because I can't get BIG and use P4 without panicking that I was totally mean. I'm frustrated because I run out of ideas to keep Jet entertained. I'm frustrated because sometimes I feel like I can't read him at all - is he left-brained and being defiant, or is he right-brained and scared half to death?

Shiloh is in the process of building a Parelli playground so I brought Jet over. He was a little apprehensive, having never seen this part of the ranch before. I let him walk around and sniff out the place, then he was starting to do his "head drag" where he pulls the lead rope and has the attitude of, "I'm attached to this human, but I can go and do whatever I want." I tried to change the tone to, "We can walk around, but you can't run into my space and I need you to walk where I walk." Driving, yo-yo, whatever. Well, Jet LOST IT. He tore around me in circles, rearing, bucking, snorting, pawing at the ground and trying to ROLL (??? he's done this before, why?). Seriously, I had NO IDEA what to do. But I wasn't panicked. My pulse didn't rise. All I could think was, "Don't move the feet, and don't let him plow you over. And try to make him change direction, make his brain work." He didn't try to charge me, but he did inch closer in his wild gallop. I waved my hands and he flew in the other direction. For a minute, I just stood there, putting NO PRESSURE on him at all. I treated him like a child throwing a tantrum - just ignored him. I didn't know what else to do. Then he started to look at me. Every time we made eye contact, I smiled. Then I slowly combed him in, trying to disengage his HQ. He did just that with no tension in the lead rope. We tried the walk again and he was a little better behaved, so I rewarded him with leaving the playground and Me N My Shadow. NOW he got to walk where he wanted and I was just following.

When I brought him back to his pasture, as I was struggling to unclip the chain to the gate, he nudged his head against me HARD, slamming me between him and the fence. It's a dominance thing. It makes me move backwards. He does it to Blahnik all the time. Now it was my turn to lose it. I didn't hit him, and I didn't growl. But I backed him up in about 6 different directions in the highest energy I could possibly imagine. I was angry, but tried SO hard to convert that angry energy into Bossiest Mare Ever. Really, it was still nothing compared to what Hazel, the lead mare in his herd, does to everyone. Jet had his head high and eyes wide open but he didn't look scared...more like, "Whoa shit, guess I went too far." I still wasn't confident I hadn't gotten my point across, so I drove his FQ away from me, saying as evenly as possible, "I love you dude, but I just don't like being dominated." Jet SWIRLED zone 2 like I had never seen...like an advanced dressage champion. And I started to cry. I felt EVIL.

PNH enthusiasts speak of break-throughs and I read about them with envy because there seems to be this magical moment where the horse goes from Hell on Hooves to beloved partner in an instant. Somehow it all falls into place. I don't feel like I have reached that yet. Just as soon as I think I'm getting it, Jet does something that knocks me right back to the drawing board (ah, LBE's). I'm not pissed off with him about that. Rather, it just goes to show what amazing teachers horses are. On the other hand with break-throughs, many students also tell tales of how L1 got really, really ugly, then SLOWLY but surely, it started getting easier and lighter. The breakthrough seemed to have come on progressively, and didn't realize it until sometime later, when their horse randomly did something respectful that pulled it all together.

I don't think I have as much confidence as Jet does. I have a huge problem with irony, so I always keep the worst in the back of my mind and try to accept every possible bad outcome that could possibly happen. Call it hoping for the best, expecting the worst.

Jet walked into the pasture like a gentleman and didn't dare push up against me when I took off his halter. With a quick rub on the nose, I spun around and took off for the opposite side of the paddock, because I couldn't bear the idea of Jet taking off as far from me as he could because I was so obnoxious. There was a snort behind me. I stopped and slowly peered around...and there was my horse, stretching his nose to me. I smiled, and turned towards him to leave the pasture. Jet kept walking, he saw a bushel of hay not too far from where I had originally headed.

Our last encounter occurred when I brought the carrot stick and halter back into his paddock with NO intentions of taking him out again. Just so he knew not EVERY time I brought the equipment in, something terrible was going to happen. When he saw me, he came to me. I fed him some treats. He nuzzled me, licked my arm. He let me hug his neck before I left. Then he followed me all the way to the gate.

I am so nervous about what tomorrow will hold.